Having a Feeling

I”m not super good at being vulnerable and most of my friends know that about me. When I experience “the feelings” it can sometimes be an overwhelming or confusing experience. Like that time a commercial made me weepy, and no, not the Sarah McLachlan animal shelter one. If you don’t feel that one, at least enough to change the channel out of discomfort, you’re simply not human. Anywho, I’m having the feelings and need to sort them out so here it goes…

I used to serve an organization that spoke to my heart. My new organization is loving, supportive, God-fearing, and kind. So why do I feel so crummy? Most days are fine but every now and then I miss being in a place where I can relate to the majority of the people culturally, linguistically, even if not in appearance. I often feel like an outsider in my new location, and not just because I’m technically the newbie to the group, but I’m often and unintentionally reminded that I’m different.

Yea yea. We live in a world of contraries that craves categorization and labels. My thoughts and ideas sometimes get dismissed with the off comment, “That’s not how we do things in independent schools,” “You can try that but that’s not how we do things here,” and my personal favorite, “This isn’t public school.”  What is THAT supposed to mean? Am I being too defensive? Have I simply not yet adapted properly? Do I really want to embrace these sorts of distinctions? See, I was hired because I was different, diverse, progressive and passionate and I’m good at what I do but I’m having an interesting time figuring out my place in this new world (and it really feels like a whole new world).

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DOOOOO, WHY DO I FEEL SO DIIIIIIFFERENT!”

Or maybe it’s just me, having a feeling.